Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Please Call Me Hot Lips

Today a young woman had the absolute stupidity to post the following email on the Colonial Ward Listserve. Since she entitled it "I HAPPEN TO NOT LIKE THE ARTICLE- PLEASE READ EVERYONE," I have no problem putting her email on my blog, and ripping her to little tiny pieces.

(this was in response to the article in the Washington CityPaper about Janna (see janna's blog on the left)- )

The email from a complete stranger verbatim-
To all who read the article -i thought this article TOTALLY SUCKED, and futhermore, it just instills theideas that may or may nor pre-exist in people's minds in the lds and non-ldsculture. it's messed up and stupid, get over the stereotypes and move ONalready! if you're not freakin married by 33 then IT'S YOUR FAULT, PERIOD. ifyou didn't make eternal marriage your focus -oh well, you suffer, too bad.. blahblah... don't go swearing and winning that you are not married because nearlyEVERY ONE ON EARTH COULD BE MARRIED IF THEY REALLY REALLY PURSUED IT AND CAREDAND PUT FORTH A STRONG EFFORT! too many people in the NOVA and DC area focustoo much on their stupid careers and collegiate accomplishments....what did Richard G. Scott come to talk about about a year or so ago(SPECIFICALLY TARGETTED TO THE DC SINGLES)?.. Eternal Marriage needs to be your#1 focus after your mission (for the fella's) and your #1 focus alongsidecollege (for the ladies).. ---if you heed that counsel there is no way you'll be30 and over and not married (except for a rare few people who had hugeremarkable things that excuse them from that -such as serving your country)!most ladies who are 33 and not married are doing 2 things wrong.. 1) they arecompletely focusing on everything BUT finding a guy, asking guys out, flirting,looking good for the fellas, whatever it takes to get a chicken boy to noticethem and ask 'em out AND/OR 2) they are fat or overweight because they don'tmake an effort to exercise. shoot i could be 33, not married and fat VERYEASILY, but i KNOW i have to get off my butt, and when i'm not in the office orin a class, or at church activities, go running, be active, do some freakinsit-ups, keep myself healthy, NOT GIVE INTO the "cookies, cookies, brownies,browines, and oreo's oreo's, oh and ice cream ice cream" at EVERY SINGLEFLIPPLIN LDS EVENT! just say no. it'll become a habit and as you eat morehealthy, cookies won't be appealing anymore... get over your bad habits, controlthem, MAKE yourself pretty for men ... heck, i would rather have a guy who's fitand takes care of himself and has a testimony, then some guy who is supposedlykeeping 'all' the commandments, but some how forgets the word of wisdom and isweighing in at 335. C'MON FOLKS... get real! nobody wants to marry someone whothey are not physcially attracted to... (perhaps some will, but not many) .. -if you are not attractive, old, and not married CHANGE YOUR PHYSICAL APPEARANCEto become as beautiful as your INSIDE APPEARANCE... PERIOD! If my bishop ofmy single's ward can run in his first marathon in his 40's then there is NOEXCUSE for anyone else to not be physically active.THERE YA GO! i'm done. that article sucked, just like the movie "single'sward" which portrays things that needa be fixed as being "cool, normal, andokay" being 33 and not married isn't even normal as a non-LDS person... i am arecruiter for my job and make calls ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY all the time and TONSof men and women around 21-26 are married (some even have kids) -and, yeah, THEYARE NOT LDS. it is NOT so abnormal to be 22 and happily married w/ kids asmormon culture potrays it to be -in the world outside of mormon culture. -and,mormons out of ALL PEOPLE have AMPLE opportunities to find equal companions onthe same page w/ the same goals to be happily married too. ROCK ON TO ALL YOUYOUNG MARRIED COUPLES, AND PROPS TO EVERYONE IN THEIR MID-LATE TWENTIES WHO AREGETTING HAPPILY HITCHED IN THEIR MATURE PRIME.anyways... i hope somebody woke up and got a clue from this.. no more winingfrom people over 30 -there is no excuse (no offense).-M.H.

OH MY FREAKING GOSH. Who the crap does she think she is? (research has told me that she is 22 and single. i also happen to know she's from a little nothing town out near west virginia. and i was once friends with her older sister.) This kid is so delusional it kills me. Does she honestly believe that women over 30 don't take care of themselves and don't flirt with men? And that by doing a few situps at night we can win over an eternal soulmate? And that your mid-late twenties are your mature prime?!?! This girl is in serious need a slap to the face. I hope she spends the rest of her mature prime years single, and wakes up at age 30 still single.

In the meantime, I sent this email to Abstract (my favorite listserve), where we spent a good portion of the day ripping this girl apart.

I have re-read Honeylips' email and have decided to take her message to heart. So I hereby declare to all eligible men (as long as they keep theword of wisdom like marie says they should) that I would like to get married.
My qualifications-
I ironed my clothes today.
I look good today (if black tactical gear is a turn on complete with dutyholster).
I went to the gym this morning. And made an appointment with a plastic surgeon to remove those pesky 15 lbs genetics cursed me with. I should be a Barbie doll speciman in no time. To make it even more clear that I am available to all men I hereby change my (email) name to Hot Lips. (Marie already has honeylips- and I want to be as much like her as possible since she knows so much about marriage. And clearly since I am 30 and single and the thought just occured to me today to WANT to get married, I need her guidance). So please address all futureemails to Hot Lips McBride. Additionally, she says I am spending too much time on my career. If it will get me a man, I will gladly quit. Of course, I will require a husband who can spare $50k a year for my personal needs, if I am to keep myself up.

Personal Addendum- (not read previously on Abstract)- to all of you who have been faithfully reading my column, I apologize. I didn't realize that my ripe old "beyond my prime" age of 30 meant that I whine and know nothing about dating. I apologize for wasting your time with my (our) thoughts on dating and the advice we have freely dispensed. I should have hung up my dating hat at age 25 when my freshness expired. Please forgive me.

-Hot Lips McBride

1 comment:

  1. Hehe... Jae clued me in to the riparté following said well-researched post regarding post-mature-prime ladies. I was amused. I love your response... you rock!


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