Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Mork from Ork Lied

TV has lied to us again. As children we were lead to believe that on the planet Ork, babies were hatched out of giant shells and started out bigger than their parents. Eventually they shrank and apparently became hairy like Robin Williams. But I’m here to tell you this is impossible. This civilization never could have survived if the children were bigger than their parents. The only leverage parents really have over their children is size. And trust me, size matters.

I've been "house-sitting" for my parents this past week. The house comes complete with two dogs, (one in heat,) and 2 teenage siblings. To be perfectly honest an experience like this is enough for my tubes to tie themselves. I've determined that the only reason parenting works is because the parents start out bigger. Size and the ability to forcibly train and brainwash children makes a huge difference. Cause let me tell you, right now I have nothing on these kids. They are bigger than me- taller, heavier, stronger, etc. I can't make them do anything. They know full well that I have guns, and I still can't make these kids do anything. They call my bluff on everything. We are two days into the school week and therefore on the second day of the 16 yr old skipping school. The 18 yr old (high school graduate) has not left the couch in 4 days, and continues to sit there in his underwear playing video games. If you think I am exaggerating and that he must leave the video games to use the head, you are wrong. He takes the laptop in there with him. (Thereby also ensuring that no one else will ever touch his laptop.) And neither child attended a full session of church on Sunday. What happened to the cute little brother and sister that used to adore me, and play "Princess" with me? (Princess is a great game where the big older sister, (aka the Princess) stays in bed on a Saturday morning while the little Duke and Duchess bring her breakfast). What happened to the little brother and sister that lived for the weekends their parents would leave so that they could play games and eat ice cream all day with their big sister?

Mork from Ork lied to us all. I’m suing.

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