Wednesday, May 23, 2007

there won't be no sleep tonight, no sleep tonight

If you don't recognize the lyrics in the blog title for tonight, then you aren't listening to a great band called "The Faders." I highly recommend them.

But on to my point.

Something has been eating at me for a while now, and I realize I won't be sleeping tonight until I get it off my chest.

The thing? My lfie is not as happily and gloriously perfect as possibly some readers of the blog have come to interpret.

But before I go on, let me make it clear, I am choosing happiness right now, and therefore, I am happy.

But let it be known, I'm nearly at my wit's end. The last few months have not exactly been a walk in the park. I haven't had a real paycheck since February. Nothing says stress like financial stress, now does it? Not to mention the whole pick up and move across the country in a move you never in a million years would have seen coming. Or leaving your home town and only one person (my cousin, and thank you Tami, you rock) bothering to see me and say goodbye. (Don't let the screen door hit ya on your way out, right?) And then the whole bumming off my sister while sleeping on a pull out sofa, defending all my material possessions from the wrath of a rather hyper 2 yr old. Spending as much time as possible with my nephews that I rarely get to see. And oh yes, learning an entirely new industry at work. For the record, dental and veterinary radiology- NOTHING like law enforcement and firearms. And the laptop I just bought? Broken. And let's not forget the part where my sister moves on Sunday to Las Vegas. Not only will I be homeless for a few days next week, but I'll also be very alone and without any family nearby for good after that. And then of course, there's the whole moving into my new home and getting settled thing.

If you think that you have any idea how I'm doing or what's going on in my life because you read my blog, you are wrong. You are only reading the portions I'm willing to publicly share.

But I still want to go on record as saying, I'm happy. I'm not just choosing to be happy. I knew very clearly several weeks before I got the job offer out here that moving to Utah was the right move. And if you really do know me, you know that there is nothing in this world I could have wanted less than a move to Utah. Afghanistan was on my list of places to move, but Utah was not. And yet, I'm here. And I'm choosing to take the next steps. And I'm choosing to be happy.

But if for some reason you think I am living some simple and easy life right now, and you are offended that I have not taken more time to notice you, I apologize. But well, quite frankly, right now I hardly have time for anything. To quote one of the classics, "it's not you, it's me." If you know me at all, you know that I wish my life were in a little bit more order so that I could be there for others more, and could be worrying about my own situation less.

But until then, I've got rent to pay in 2 places next month, (which is ironic, seeing as I am homeless next week), I've got a car and a computer to fix, a new job to master, a house to get in order, and a new life to get started. I'm a bit swamped.

3 comments:

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  2. I know how you feel. I never intended to end up in Seattle, myself, and I was miserable most of my first year here. Perhaps the first two. I was sick, I wanted to move away, but something kept me here--mainly the fact that I had a good job that I loved, despite all other factors. And that actually means a lot.

    I don't know you well, but I sympathize--losing a job, getting a new job, and moving cross-country are up there on the list of most stressful things anyone can endure--the list including death of a loved one and severe depression, I think are the others.

    So my thoughts are that everything you're feeling--the exhilaration and the frustration--are all normal, and I sympathize. Here's hoping that you'll find at least *some* part of that new life to really enjoy, because that'll make all the rest that much easier to endure until it too settles down.

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  3. I don't know how you're doing it. I think you're amazing though!

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