Wednesday, October 17, 2007

I Think I've Finally Lost Me

For months now I have just told myself over and over to "just hang in there." "Give it a few more months." "You're still new here." I keep thinking things will get better. But really, I just can't take it anymore. I'm admitting defeat. I'm admitting I'm just miserable. I'm not the girl I used to be/always was. I can't recall the last time I actually had to use my brain or put forth an effort. I watch 4-5 hours of TV a night because I have nothing better to do. I hate this. I have signed up for volunteer jobs. I attempt to meet people. I'm doing everything I know how. But I am still miserable.
I realized today I am living my worst nightmare. I am a 30 something, with a very average, uninteresting, nothing of a job. I have few friends, no social life. I don't own my home. I am nothing but a total waste of space. This is the one and only goal I ever had for myself- that I would always be engaged in a good cause, and that I would own my home. And none of that is happening.

And I hate it.


  1. Oh. I'm sorry for you ErinAnnie.
    I'm going through the same thing... in a funk, wondering what I've ever accomplished in my life.

    The difference is, I do own my condo but if a good job doesn't materialize soon - I'm afraid I'll have to give it up!

    You are a contributor to the world though, ErinAnnie. You are a beautiful writer, and clearly a great friend.
    When I evaluate my worth... sometimes the only thing that I come up with is my gift for friendship.
    And what's the saying? No man is a failure who has friends.

    I just FFWD'd to the end of It's A Wonderful Life to find that quote for you... and my face is wet with tears just watching the last two minutes. Maybe you should watch it.

  2. Hey ErinAnnie:)!

    You give more to us who read your blog then you probably know:) You are a ray of sunshine and someone who actually WANTS to do good and help others.

    You are amazing and a fresh breath of air girl!! Keep your chin up and everything will fall into place in due time:)

  3. ErinAnnie,
    I hope you're feeling better. (You're probably annoyed that I keep spelling your name with a capital A!!)
    Just thought I'd give you something trivial to get worked up about!

    As Rangersrus said... you are a ray of sunshine.... why else would a stranger like myself check your blog every day?
    Chin up super sister!

  4. Thank you guys so much! Your comments really mean a lot to me. I know I'm in for a tough road. I'm trying, but it's not going to get fixed fast. But really, your comments really made me feel better.

  5. I'm 35 and in EXACTLY the same boat as you. I still live at home, and the only thing I have is that I own my car and have my BA. NOTHING else. Don't despair alone. Others (myself) can wallow with you.

  6. You know I get where you're coming from. But to address part of where you wanted to be by now, from someone in a similar situation who HAS owned a home, let me reassure you that it isn't all it's cracked up to be. It's horribly expensive (as in, way more than just the mortgage), it's a huge responsibility, and it ties you down. I've actively made the decision to NOT buy another home for the foreseeable future. As a single adult, I really like the flexibility of renting and having management to see to maintenance and yards and all that stuff. Plus, if you get a better job offer across the country, you aren't tied to a house. Believe me when I say, that sucks.

    It will work out :) I have a magnet on my fridge that says "When you're down to nothing, the Lord is up to something."


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