If I seem a little jittery, jumpy, or just a little more neurotic than usual lately, well, I've earned it. There's the usual life stuff going on, plus all the big stuff I'm anticipating in the near future, and that scary nagging voice in the back of my head. The little voice that keeps watching the calendar and the bank account and reminding me incessantly what I have gone through over the last 2 years.
You remember the last 2 years don't you? Where I had a job for 6 months and lost it. And then had another job for six months and lost it, and lost all my money, and then had another job for 6 weeks and lost it? And then was unemployed for a few months? And then finally got this job just about 6 months ago?
See a pattern forming here?
We're quickly closing in on that 6 month mark. Things feel stable enough, but then again, so did the first 3 jobs too. There's a new stress with this job that I have never met my co-workers. I'm just an invisible girl, or better yet an annoying email account that pops in to remind them I exist. And my job is more of a "window dressing" position, and not a necessity to the company. Am I adding enough value? Do they need me? Or if the budget gets tight will it be really easy to axe the girl no one knows and no one really understands what she does anyway?
Do you see my total paranoia and concern?
Add to it the new house, bigger commitments, and how I have chosen to handle my finances. Normally I wouldn't completely broadcast my finances. But I am still smarting from a fairly rude comment someone made to me back in October. The person asked how much I made. I told them and they responded, "And you didn't save more than that?"
Um, well, not that it is any of your business, but when your employer bounces paychecks, and is consistently inconsistent with your paycheck, it is next to impossible to save money. Especially when gas prices were up to $4/gallon. But I digress.
My point is that now I am paranoid. I have been busy these last few months paying back the giant hole left by Tricia McGarry when she bounced my paycheck and closed the business and ran off (yep, using her name publicly again). I guess you could say that on one hand I'm grateful to be back at zero. No more holes, no more debts.
But I'm just as equally paranoid as I am grateful that everything could fall apart all over again. And I wonder if I have it in me to handle it a second time. Or is it a fourth time?
So for now I'll focus on the positive. I have a job. I have a steady paycheck. I love my home. I crave more stability and a stronger support network. But I don't know that I'll ever really have that in the current state of the world, especially when I choose to live 2,000 miles away from "home."
Am I alone in this? Or do other people feel this sort of paranoia regularly?
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