At some point today I was supposed to sign the letter/statement from my former employer stating that I understand that I no longer work there. I think these letters are a ridiculous joke. They are written to protect the company, and are full of crap stating that I understand that they aren't paying me anymore, and I don't work there. Gee thanks. Now, if the letters were more honest, maybe I'd actually care enough to sign it. For instance,
Dear Former Employee:
You don't work here. Don't ask for anything. Even though we saw it coming, we didn't bother to warn you. And we're too cheap to offer you severance pay, even if it is just three weeks before Christmas. (yeah, yeah, we know your salary was in the budget for the whole year, and the year is up in just 3 weeks, but that one last paycheck you would have earned was going to break our bank.) But hey, we let you have Thanksgiving before screwing you over. You can be thankful for that retroactively. The truth is we found someone else to do your job cheaper, and you were even kind enough to train him. So we don't need you now. Don't let the screen door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.
We are required by law to offer you COBRA coverage for your insurance. Yes, we know you'll never be able to afford it since we're not giving you severance, and we are headquartered in a state that only offers minimum wage for your unemployment coverage, but we have to tell you it anyway. There, you are told.
Please sign the dotted line below so we don't get sued or fined. If you don't, we'll never bother sending you those last few pennies you earned.
Wouldn't that be a slightly more honest letter?
But then I got to thinking. What we really need are exit letters in dating. Instead of blocking a bad date online, or ignoring their phone calls, you send a really good exit letter. Maybe something like this-
Dear Date #17:
This will be our final communication. We are not dating. Even though I saw it coming, you failed to notice the signs. I am no longer available to you. It wasn't me. It was you.
You failed to fulfill my needs in a variety of ways. We'll start with the open mouth chewing. I can't stand the thought of looking across a table and seeing you chew like a cow for another meal, let alone the rest of my life. Second, you bore me. Third, your laugh makes me and small children cry.
I am required by law to say thank you and have a good evening. Please don't call again. Also, please sign the dotted line stating that you understand I am not interested in you in any way, shape, or form, and that you agree not to stalk me.
Who's with me?
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