Thursday, December 03, 2009

Day 2 of Unemployment- Exit letters

At some point today I was supposed to sign the letter/statement from my former employer stating that I understand that I no longer work there. I think these letters are a ridiculous joke. They are written to protect the company, and are full of crap stating that I understand that they aren't paying me anymore, and I don't work there. Gee thanks. Now, if the letters were more honest, maybe I'd actually care enough to sign it. For instance,
Dear Former Employee:
You don't work here. Don't ask for anything. Even though we saw it coming, we didn't bother to warn you. And we're too cheap to offer you severance pay, even if it is just three weeks before Christmas. (yeah, yeah, we know your salary was in the budget for the whole year, and the year is up in just 3 weeks, but that one last paycheck you would have earned was going to break our bank.) But hey, we let you have Thanksgiving before screwing you over. You can be thankful for that retroactively. The truth is we found someone else to do your job cheaper, and you were even kind enough to train him. So we don't need you now. Don't let the screen door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.

We are required by law to offer you COBRA coverage for your insurance. Yes, we know you'll never be able to afford it since we're not giving you severance, and we are headquartered in a state that only offers minimum wage for your unemployment coverage, but we have to tell you it anyway. There, you are told. 
Please sign the dotted line below so we don't get sued or fined. If you don't, we'll never bother sending you those last few pennies you earned. 

Wouldn't that be a slightly more honest letter?
But then I got to thinking. What we really need are exit letters in dating. Instead of blocking a bad date online, or ignoring their phone calls, you send a really good exit letter. Maybe something like this-

Dear Date #17:
This will be our final communication. We are not dating. Even though I saw it coming, you failed to notice the signs. I am no longer available to you. It wasn't me. It was you. 
You failed to fulfill my needs in a variety of ways. We'll start with the open mouth chewing. I can't stand the thought of looking across a table and seeing you chew like a cow for another meal, let alone the rest of my life. Second, you bore me. Third, your laugh makes me and small children cry. 
I am required by law to say thank you and have a good evening. Please don't call again. Also, please sign the dotted line stating that you understand I am not interested in you in any way, shape, or form, and that you agree not to stalk me.

Who's with me?


  1. Your exit letter to your date sounds like the situation I'm in. On the second time ever I spoke with him, he said "If we end up getting married..."


    And he's been calling me at least four times a day for a week and a half. We're going out on Friday.

    Maybe I should just stay single. For, you know, forever.

  2. Hey, the employers have to subsidize the first nine months of COBRA now. It is much more affordable. You should look into it. I can't let my health insurance lapse because my pre-existing health condition makes it impossible to get coverage otherwise. An accident could happen anytime. Check into it.

  3. Love both of your severance letters, especially the dating one. I may need to keep it on file for future reference.

    "Dear Blind Date, about the fact that gaming is more important to you than I am...."

  4. You are HILARIOUS! I loved both of your letters ;)

  5. Amen to the letters! I wish I could send some retroactively to people...ha ha!

    Like, say, "Dear Mr. Fizzle, your throat-clicking and constant combative attitude toward everything I say is not conducive to our being anything other than casual friends. Thank you for your time." lol!

  6. Oh SO familiar. When I was laid-off at These are cracking me up!

  7. Nice job on the letters!!

    Hmmm. I've been paying my own health insurance for more than 3 years... I'm on Humana and it was about $200 a month - just went up to $260.
    So you may want to keep the coverage - you probably won't find individual for any cheaper.

  8. I'll go ahead and give the details.

    My insurance, after my employer covered their part, was nearly $400/mo. And that was for the 70/30 plan. And a $1500 annual deductible.

    After a little more research, its looking like my COBRA payments will be about $800/mo.

    I haven't even been to a doctor in over 2 years. (not since the kidney stone fiasco!)

    And thanks to Nevada's insanely pathetic unemployment coverage, I'll be lucky if I qualify for their maximum payout of $323/week. (Their minimum payout is $16/wk.)

  9. jules7:52 PM

    Amen, sistuh. Can we print those up?

  10. First of all after reading your blog for the last little while, I am horrified about the conduct of your last couple employers. I can't believe how lucky I have been in the job department. I've never been more thankful for my job.

    Have you ever thought about teaching? You certainly are fabulous with Little and kids always need fabulous people to look up to in the classroom.

    I LOVE your dating exit letter. That would be a hilarious book. We could all be contributors.

    I'm praying for you to find the most fantastic job quickly.


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