Tuesday, September 07, 2010
The best is yet to come
Lately my life has been one big struggle with finding happiness in my current state of affairs. As has been mentioned ad nauseum around here, I am not living anything close to the life I would like to be living. I struggle to call my new situation "home." I have little control over being able to get the things that I want. I feel lost and alone, while simultaneously feeling like I live in a fish bowl. It is an interesting contradiction in feelings.
I try to choose to be happy. I choose to serve others. I choose to find one thing in each day, no matter how small or inconsequential, to be happy about. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it just reminds me of how hard it is to find something to be happy about.
So off I went today to see "Eat, Pray, Love." I have not yet read the book. And this is not intended to be a book or movie review. But I did have the sneaky suspicion that I would identify well with the main character, and that I did. Believe me, if I had the money I'd be off finding myself in the far reaches of the world. Or I'd be living in a beach house with just me, a sundress, and a laptop- and my dog! (Can't leave Kaya behind!) But those are just pipe dreams, and instead I am staying in my grandmother's house, often just living from day to day.
But the movie struck a chord with me. Forgive me for most likely quoting it wrong. But as the main character goes to India in search of peace and God, she learns and says, "God is in you, as you." And I couldn't help but think, how that is truly one of the greatest gifts we can accept and believe. It is a key to finding happiness! To understand and accept that you are one of God's greatest tools, and that He is with you, that alone should bring you happiness. More importantly, accepting and believing that that is all you need to know to be happy is an even greater gift and ability.
Which brings me back to me. As I have openly discussed on here, I have struggled for the past several months with "the point" of things. Is there any point to dating? Is there any point in getting married at this age? Do I even want to try anymore? Do I even care?
Again, the movie resonated with me. There she is trying to find herself, trying to be happy alone. And she's succeeding, but everywhere she turns someone is telling her she needs a man to be happy. Trust me, there's few things more frustrating!
But the answer I was looking for did not come from the movie. It came from my little cousin a few hours later.
I am cousin #2, she is cousin #32. We are also conveniently 30 years apart in age. That hasn't stopped us from being great friends. Tonight I had dinner at her house. She pulled me over to the little kids' table and wanted me to sit with her as we ate cookies and ice cream. She reached over and held my hand and said, "Dessert is better when you sit next to me, Erin Ann!" I didn't even mind how hard it was to eat my dessert one handed after that.
A short bit later we were watching a video, and a beautiful image of the Earth being held in the Creator's hands came on the screen. My cousin had snuck through the dark room to come snuggle in my lap. She was all squirmy and trying to be silly until that image showed up. She turned and whispered in my ear, "Heavenly Father made that for us. Isn't it nice?"
She then turned around, put her head on my chest, and fell asleep (for about 2 minutes, but it was cute while it lasted).
And just like that I knew what I wanted. More on that later.
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