Saturday, March 26, 2011

tick tock, the clock don't stop

The clock is ticking folks.
My Peace Corps medical app has now been in 6 weeks. In theory, the medical office may actually acknowledge my existence any day now. Chances are still much stronger that they won't acknowledge me for about 4 more weeks, but technically, as of today, it could happen.
For the last 6 weeks I have focused on Plan B. The Plan where I do something with my life if I don't pass the medical round. I've resumed frantically applying for jobs, and accepting responsibilities and long term commitments.
But the little black cloud of "who the heck knows" continues to hang over my head.
I've mentioned the highs and lows of doubt, not knowing, unemployment, etc a trillion times before on this blog. I'm sure you are weary of hearing them. And I think that is one of the hardest parts of being where I am today- we're all weary of hearing about it.
But it doesn't get any easier. I've been without gainful employment for over a year. I've been rejected more times than I care to remember. I've had some incredible highs, generous offers, and wonderful blessings come my way.
Did you know that not once in this entire past year did I have to get by only on the funds I get from unemployment? It is nothing short of a miracle. But each and every month this past year some completely unexpected and crazy event presented itself, and I received extra money. What I get in unemployment insurance doesn't even begin to cover my expenses (and that is even after my expenses have been reduced greatly). This amazing blessing where money has just surprisingly appeared, without once jeopardizing the legality of my unemployment benefits, is undeniable.
And do again tonight, I go to bed trying to focus on the good, the positive, and the blessings. And try to shut those aggravating little voices in the back of my head up. (The ones that wonder how long this trial will go on? The ones that wonder where the light at the end of the tunnel is hiding?!) And say a little prayer that everyone will have a little more patience for me and my situation, and not forget that it isn't easy and that I am trying.
I'm doing my best to make the most of a cruddy cruddy situation. But please, don't mistake my efforts at doing something more and something different, as not trying. I may be throwing myself into volunteer work, but I'm still trying to find a job. Still working for hours each day to find a way off of unemployment. Still trying to find a way to feel useful again. 

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