Thursday, June 16, 2011

Girl's Search for Happiness

Exactly one year ago my life was in complete shambles. I had followed the advice and pressure from those who loved me and had followed a path I wasn't comfortable with, and it had turned out very badly. Suffering from a lot of personal and emotional wounds, I picked up what I called my life and moved to Roanoke.
Why Roanoke? I had a free place to live, and a place to regroup while looking for the next plan. Over the past 3 years I had been through so many changes and heartbreaks I just needed a place to stop and start over again. I had endured a very painful disappointment and breakup (that I never discussed on this blog) with a wonderful man. Not to mention I went through a very personally revealing forgiveness experience with him, so that we can be friends now. I had also endured "the economy" in a very personal way. In three years I went through 4 jobs, and lost each and everyone of them due to the economy, or poor management. In short those three years brought me experiences that really did a number on my ability to trust and my expectations of others.
When I arrived in Roanoke I made the choice to be completely in control (which now in hindsight was a complete joke). That I wasn't going to allow poor management, or the economy, or anyone else, dictate my life again. I was going to decide what I want, and then I would go get it. Instead, I really learned just how often people think that everything in your life will far apart so that you will magically stumble on the right man, fall wonderfully in love, and get married. (All so you won't need that job you didn't get.)
I decided to follow my heart and do the thing no one saw coming and apply to the Peace Corps. I also continued to search for an ideal job. If both the PC came through and I got a great job, I would cross that bridge when the time came. Out of the blue, a good friend approached me and offered me a commission based job with a company she was starting. It was an interesting mix of my business skills and learning new skills, and I took it. That job has been a great blessing to me (thanks Heidi!), but I never had planned on it being my long term plan.
Two weeks ago I would have told you that I had come a long way in one year. I clawed my way up from near financial ruin to actually having money in the bank. I learned to forgive and open my heart again. I devoted the entire year to serving others at church, in my family, and in my community. I learned a new career. I worked on being a writer again. I was finding myself in a very happy place, knowing that major changes were right around the corner- PC placement, a possible relationship, and more.
This week? Everything has changed. I feel like I've been hit with a truck. Relationship? Non-existent. My trust skills? Gone with the wind. Peace Corps? Almost feels impossible right now. A plan for the rest of my life? I could really use one.
I'm lost all over again. I have no idea what will come next. When I'm feeling positive I think I have so many options I can't decide which is best. When I'm not feeling as positive, I'm angry at the world, and wondering why me, and wishing there was just one option that made me happy.
But most of all, if just one more person tells me that the good things in my life have been taken from me in a Divine Intervention so that I will suddenly stumble into the right path of happiness and love, I may scream.
Be patient with me friends. I've got a lot to think about and deal with right now. And unfortunately, I have little time to think about it. I'm grateful for what I have. I really am. I can see that I am still very blessed and not in the dire straits I was in last year. And for that I am very grateful. 

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