Friday, November 11, 2011

Cheese, Glorious Cheese

I don't know one true child of the 80s who can't sing this song.

I love cheese. One of my favorite radio shows used to have a cheese quiz when they interviewed celebrities. They would ive them 30 seconds to name all of the types of cheese they could think of. I beat every celebrity ever at that quiz- munster, mozzerella, gouda, parmesan, american, swiss, brie, pepper jack, monterey, monterey jack, jack cheddar, cheddar, jarlsberg, limberger! And those are just the ones off the top of my head.

However, it must be said, that I only partially consider "American Cheese" to be a real cheese. Why? Let's take a quick look at Webster's definition of cheese, shall we?
"The curd of milk"
Now, let's take a quick look at the ingredients in American Cheese.
Water, interesterified soybean oil, food starch, modified whey, gelatin, sodium citrate, calcium phosphate, salt, sodium phosphate, artificial and natural flavors, yada yada yada.
Anyone notice something missing there? NO MILK! However, if you do read down after the artificial coloring it does says "contains: milk." Obviously they have to explain this because it isn't actually an ingredient!  I think more accurately it should say, "contains milk parts," but that would confuse people who think this is an actual food.
Put down your "Imitation Pasteurized Process Cheese Food Singles" and buy some real cheese people! May I suggest a nice medium cheddar? Or a lovely mozzerella? (I offer you the dullest of the cheeses seeing as you have been eating the most tasteless, nastiest of all nearly dairy products available.)
How did this foul substance get into my house you ask? I use them as a cheap alternative to sneaking my dog her pills. (A much cheaper alternative than Greenies Pill Pockets which cost about $6 a bag, and the dog is quite suspicious of.) But this morning something fascinating happened. She ate the cheese (and her pill), and then spit out the cheese. She ate her pill, but refused the imitation pasteurized process cheese food single! They are so gross even a dog won't eat them! (Which is unfortunate because now I have to find a new way to sneak her her pills in the morning.)


  1. Smart doggie!

    Somehow this reminds me of what happened in an office I worked in. I kept some snacks in the metal cabinet that hung above my desk. Something relatively healthy like a package of white cheddar rice cakes.

    One Monday I came into work, and opened the cabinet to find that the previously unopened package had been violated. Soon it was clear that a mouse had chewed threw the outer plastic bag and the wax liner inside, but absolutely no evidence that the actual rice cakes were so much as nibbled!
    There were shreds of packaging but no crumbs at all!
    I cracked up thinking of this poor mouse accomplishing his task and then thinking, "What the heck is this? Health food? I'm not eating THAT! I swear the package had a picture of cheese on it!"

  2. Dog sitting I used cream cheese or PB.


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