I can't pretend that everything is okay today. In fact, most things are not okay. Most days I can count my blessings and be grateful for all that I do have, when I am so very close to having nothing. I've been unemployed for the better part of 2 years now. Things aren't getting any easier here.
You probably haven't noticed, but I've taken down all references to the Peace Corps off of my blog. I did this mostly out of anger the day I found out that the PC is delaying me again (for close to a year), and that they didn't like me saying on my blog that I am looking for a job (and not holding my breath for them- apparently now they can't trust me to pick them over a job), and just a few hours I got rejected for a job I interviewed for. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
Several months ago I made a choice to stop putting myself through the emotional hell of job hunting. I had my unemployment coverage and I was attempting to make money through contract work. I was passively looking for the perfect job, but not actively job-hunting. Since then everything has changed. The PC has delayed me again, my unemployment benefits have run out, and the contract work has slowed considerably. In other words, I have no form on income. And I've been unemployed for 2 years- my savings are depleted.
I am actively job hunting again, but this is a very poor time of year for it. Most people don't leave their jobs right before Christmas, so there aren't many openings. But lots do it just after New Years! And most companies don't do a lot of hiring until after the holidays. I have turned in applications at no less than 12 different stores at the mall in hopes of part-time work. Not to mention, I do have over 40 resumes out there somewhere.
Out of those 52 job applications, I've heard back from 2 companies for interviews (rejected by both a few weeks ago), received the generic "we never reviewed your resume" response from 4 companies, and nothing from the rest. Yesterday, out of desperation, I went in to one of the stores I applied at and found a manager. I told him how I have worked for the same chain before, and I will work any shift he will give me. He was a little stunned at my forwardness, but said even though he has done all of his hiring already, maybe he could hire me too. So "maybe" I'll hear back from him. Or maybe not.
Today I made a stupid mistake that I have to pay for - literally. Normally it wouldn't be a big deal. But when there is no money coming any time soon, this hurts. It is a real problem. And I am kicking myself for it. After realizing this in the middle of a store, I ran to my car and just barely made it there before breaking down into tears. I haven't allowed myself to cry or get too upset over my situation over the last 2 years. But today I just let it out. My first real meltdown. I just can't take it anymore. I don't know what else I can do. Is it me? Is it them? Is it everything? What is this and why am I stuck in it?
I cried and moved on. It is all I can do. Crying isn't going to solve my problems or fix my stupid mistake. But the problem is, I don't know what will solve everything. I've tried everything I know to do. I'm so grateful for my trip to Cambodia and all that I saw there. I know that even in my current situation, I still have more than most people there. I'm grateful for my parents who have helped me so much this past year. I live one step away from being homeless right now. If it weren't for my family giving me a free place to live, I don't know what would have happened to me.
I am grateful for what I have. But I need a little space to be angry about what I don't have too.