Monday, November 14, 2011

My Kingdom for a Wrench (or even a pair of pliers will do!)

I moved recently, did you know that? It is true. My family bought a new house with very lovely views, like this one taken a few houses down from us. Except there isn't really an "us" here. It is just me, as my family lives far, far away on other sides of the continent and planet from me. But seeing as it is the family's house, I am living amidst many of their belongings. Belongings that do not belong to me and have no place to go. Why am I bringing this up? Because, well, even though I've been here a few months now, it still feels like I just moved in.

Tonight I sat down to watch some TV and something peculiar happened. Nothing. I turned on the TV and a funny computerized voice said, "Lamp not working." It took about three tries before I realized the TV was talking to me.

No picture at all. This is a problem. The DVD changer and cable box were working, as was the surround sound system. But no picture on the TV. Since the little voice inside the TV said the lamp wasn't working (and we had it replaced just 3 months ago), I didn't bother messing with the channels.

Instead, I decided this was a sign that it was time for me to bring my TV up from my bedroom downstairs and put it in the upstairs bedroom. Yes, I live in a 3 bedroom house, and have claimed 2 of the bedrooms for myself. Do you have a problem with that? There's also 5 bathrooms in this house, do you want to know how many of those I have claimed?

So I went downstairs and brought my TV up to the bedroom. Knowing that the DVR was recording 2 of my favorite shows at that precise moment, I waited until exactly the right minute to unplug the DVR to take it to my room.

But wait! No! I can't unscrew the stupid cable cable. No, I'm not being redundant, I'm referring to the cable from the wall that goes into the cable box. The one the technician came and installed and hooked up, and apparently used the jaws of life to tighten! It REFUSES to budge!

Obviously, I need a wrench to unscrew this thing. Now, I wasn't the one who unpacked 90% of what has been unpacked in this house. This often leads to a wild goose chase as I try to figure out where my mother or sister may have decided some random object should go. Or did they unpack it at all? Or just leave in a box somewhere? With everyone on far-flung corners of the planet, I just can't pick up the phone and ask, unfortunately.

So the wrench, I swear I have seen it just sitting out somewhere in these 4,000 sq ft. Just sitting there... But where? The kitchen? The bedroom? The garage? I have no idea. So off I go to hunt.

First, my downstairs bedroom -
Now, I have to explain. I have had to move 4 times in the past year. I am SICK AND TIRED OF MOVING. I never want to do it again. But even as we moved into this house I knew there was a good chance I wouldn't be living in the downstairs room long (my mom was still here, and once she left, I moved upstairs). So I didn't exactly get unpacked. The room is basically just holding all of my non-essentials for me.  And if you have moved 4 times in one year, all of your stuff would live in big pink tupperware bins too!

So is the wrench in one of my bins? No. The dresser? No. The bathroom? No. The closet? Desk? Boxes? ANYWHERE? No.

But look, there's my dog. Ever faithful. She thought this was a lot of fun.

Okay, fine. Let's go look in the big empty room that someday will resemble a family room.

Anyone want to go through those boxes for me and find a wrench? Oh and hey look! There's my dog again. She's never far from my side, is she? Oh, and no. I didn't find a wrench in there either.

So just for fun let's go look in the media room and see what I can make happen.

Thankfully I have a degree in Broadcast Journalism, and all those cables and wires actually make sense to me. I attempted to unscrew a few of the loose ones. Yeah, no. I'm going to need a wrench for those as well. I'm really starting to hate the cable guy right now.

Moving on, I looked in the downstairs bar.
But all I found was myself looking very tired. You can't see her, but my dog is right by my legs. Ever faithful.

Okay, so let's go look in the cars. No picture evidence, but no, no wrenches out there either.

On to the garage. The 3-car garage full of boxes and 1 car.
There's an extra oven in there, but no obvious signs of wrenches. However, I did pull open several boxes to look.
And there's my dog again. Why have I not trained her to sniff out wrenches?
Hey, look! A long wall of cabinets in the garage. If you were my toolbox, I wonder if someone would have randomly decided that out of all the things in the garage they could unpack and put away, if they would pick you? I had to open all 19 doors, but yes, there it was, my red toolbox hiding behind door #19! (I might add there was nothing behind the other 18 doors.)

Alas, you are a stupid toolbox with no tools in it. Back to the drawing board.
Are you in the closet?
No, but I did find tulle for making a tutu, and a box from Woot with a foot pedal for flushing a toilet!

Is my wrench in the upstairs bedroom? Closet? Bathrooms? No!?!?

But I did find more scissors (I found 5 total in my search), my passport, headlamp, and a voter registration card. All useful things, EXCEPT ALL I WANT IS MY STINKING WRENCH!! Or even a pair of pliers will do!

I tried the kitchen, in all of the cabinets, under all of the sinks in the whole house, under the beds, under shirts, EVERYWHERE. No wrench.

And then my dog, thinking we were playing some perverse game of "Upstairs, Downstairs," brought me her stuffed animal to play with. No, Kaya, we're not playing right now. I really don't think she understood me.

After 40 minutes of searching I gave up. No wrench. No pliers. Nothing. I tried again to loosen it with my hands. No joy. And so I gave up, and brought the TV from the upstairs bedroom over to the family room and set it up in front of the other TV. The poor dog laid down her head and sighed. All of that and we never even played fetch, or found the wrench.

And so, if you are the kind lady who bought this house and unpacked half of it. Will you please send me a note and tell me where the heck you hid the wrench?!?! (Oh, and I will be taking that replacement bulb lamp thing back to the company that sold it to me, just as soon as I can remember their names!)

And yes, Mom, I promise to have things cleaned up a bit more before anyone ever comes to visit. 

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