Every once in a while I get hit with a sneak attack of loneliness. Not the kind of loneliness where I live alone and have no friends. But the kind of loneliness that says I'm destined to be alone forever, never fall in love again, and die an old maid. I hate that feeling.
It wasn't my favorite weekend ever. As always, I've tried to stay positive, focus on my blessings and what I have to be grateful for. But my hours at work got cut significantly- down to less than 10 hours! And next week isn't looking any better. While I'm grateful to be making some money, this is barely enough to survive on, let alone thrive on. Forget buying Christmas presents. I'll be lucky to have enough money to buy gas just to get to work!
All that aside, I just felt alone. It really doesn't hit me too often. But it hit me full force this weekend. Just that empty, dead feeling of "what's the point in even trying?" Sometimes it hits when you look around and don't like your options. But since moving here it is less not liking my options, and more not having any options at all. The lack of other singles my age to do things with. The lack of ability to travel to other towns to meet other people. (Read: worked 7 hrs at minimum wage last week. That doesn't even pay to fill up my economically friendly car!) Living alone where I can go for days without talking to another human in person. Feeling like I am losing my social skills. Just feeling like the leftover loser that never got picked for the team. That kind of awful loneliness that leads to actually thinking about ex-boyfriends in a longing way. And that is a very dangerous road to go down!
This feeling is easier to overcome when there are good things happening in the rest of my life. When I can say it is all okay, because the Lord has other things in store for me. I was meant to do something else first. But when it feels like my whole life is a waste? It is really hard to find the positive, big picture side of things.