Saturday, February 18, 2012

Stupor of Thought

Ocean waves after Hurricane Earl - taken at Virginia Beach

When I am confused or faced with a difficulty, I often find I express myself in terms of water. Raging water, calm water, rippling water, torrents of water, trickling brooks. When I need to reflect or retreat, I often navigate to a body of water and just stare out. Today my heart is navigating to this picture I took of the waves at Virginia Beach a few hours after Hurricane Earl. It depicts my feelings perfectly today. Raging waves, dark sky, and yet there's an elegance about it, and the worst is over. The storm will pass soon and peace will return.
Multiple times over the last few days I've attempted to sit down and write about what has been going on in my life, but each time I do I just sort of give up. I've often heard  or been taught that the answer to prayer can come in the form of a "stupor of thought." And I do believe this week I am experiencing it for the first time.
I have a very, very big decision I have to make. Without going into detail, it basically goes like this-
Option A- Exciting opportunity, lots of potential, possibly (most likely) be very happy, some risk involved.
Option B- Lose the chance to pursue Option A for a very long time, pursue current path of happiness, hope it stays a happy path knowing very well that it might not, accept my choices and not regret not taking A.
Really it is a decision of giving up Happy Plan A for Happy Plan B. Neither one is a bad option. In fact, both would make me wildly happy to pursue!

Meh, let's just go for it. I'm going to tell you the big bad situation.
The Peace Corps has finally placed me.
Also, I wrote a book.
The problem? Everything!
If I go the Peace Corps route, I can't publish the book. And vice versa.
The timing doesn't work out between the two options. Both are about a 2.5 year commitment starting from the minute I make the decision. And I have to make that decision by Tuesday.
I won't be sharing where the Peace Corps wants to send me until I have completely decided that I will be going. I do want to make it abundantly clear that I am happy with the placement and the country. The last thing right now are more voices giving me their opinion (mostly on what they perceive to be living conditions in that country), when there are enough voices in my head already.
I never in a million years expected these two things to collide. I never could have imagined (especially after 2 years of unemployment) that either of these options would come to me, let alone in the same week.
One would be much, much easier to pursue (and I'll let your imagination guess which you think that would be). The other will take a great deal more dedication.
My family and a very small handful of friends are aware of all the details. Everyone has been very respectful of my situation and that this is not a decision to be made lightly. Some have told me what they would do, some have not. No one has told me what they think I should do, which I appreciate greatly. As for me, I'm experiencing a stupor of thought, unable to really buckle down and choose. I spent all day Thursday convinced it was Option A. And I spent all day Friday with Option B. Today I've cleaned the kitchen, mopped the living room floor, swept the deck, took down lights, walked the dog, organized the closet, and have done 3 full loads of laundry in my state of denial. It is probably a good thing I don't have a car today (my car is at the body shop- a boring story for another day), or I'd likely drive to the ocean just to escape my reality.
Decisions regarding my personal life have never been my forte. And this week, I appear to be bound and determined to prove that point over and over again, not unlike ocean waves relentlessly pounding the beach again and again.

1 comment:

  1. One thing that GREATLY helped me in making life decisions was a question the Lord presented me in answer to my question... "What can you do that would help you draw closer to me, a.k.a., is there anything that you want that conflicts with my will." You want good things, that likely doesn't apply. But in my moments of not knowing where to start the answer in a form of a question always presses on my mind.

    May you enjoy whatever adventure you pursue and may you be abundantly happy and blessed!


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