Oh how I miss Cambodia today. What I wouldn't give for a real fruit drink and some fish amok. I woke up with a crazy craving for mango and pineapple and I won't be happy until I find some. Ooh and papaya sounds good too. I've just spent 20 minutes changing all of my profile pictures to Cambodia pics on different websites. I miss it!
But let's talk about yesterday. By all counts, I had a bad day. Things went from small mistakes to big dumb problems. And I felt bad about it, I really did. I've always been very good about kicking myself while I'm down. I've never needed extra punishing because I've got that covered all by myself. So trust me when I say I felt really bad about my stupid mistake that got me in trouble. Thankfully no one else felt the need to kick me while I was down. For that I am grateful. It was all handled very nicely. But still, I felt awful. Today I still haven't felt the courage to get up and try again. I'm still feeling pretty stupid about my dumb mistake.
But there's the thing. In spite of how bad I felt and the situation, I could only feel so bad. I really had woken up yesterday thinking about the fact that everything has been so good for me lately. I've really managed to accomplish a lot professionally in the past few months, and it feels GREAT to be earning money again. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, nothing feels better than the ability to finally be able to support myself again. But then the poopy thing happened. It was a professional mistake, and on top of just feeling dumb about the mistake, I felt awful that I finally get some work and get happy and then I messed things up. Not so great, right?
But there was this other part of me that had to laugh and smile about the situation. After two years of unemployment and bad days, wondering if I would ever have a good day again, and now having had a few months of great days, one bad day isn't such a big deal. I am a little grateful for my bad day. It made me feel normal again. And it reminded me to be serious and more detail oriented. (After two years of not working, it can be really hard sometimes to focus and really "think" like I know I should. You'd be amazed how that skill needs to be kept up!)
I can't be too upset about my bad day. I'm just too darn grateful and happy about it. Don't get me wrong, my guilt and inferiority complex is still kicking me good. I worry each time I get an email, or the phone rings, that someone is about to call and yell at me about the mistake. (But so far, no one has. Like I said, it was handled very professionally. And it is possible my mistake meant nothing to everyone else. It was small, it got fixed. I'm beating myself up more than anyone else.)
I know a lot of my gratitude comes from the things I witnessed in Cambodia, and before that, Haiti. I know how much I have to be grateful for. It isn't hard to be happy when you are grateful. And I know that I've been blessed greatly with my new work, and the chances to travel to developing countries. Once you've seen true poverty, it isn't hard to see when you are having a good day.