Saturday, September 22, 2012

Hitting the Wall Face First

This is a pretty good visual for how I've been feeling lately. Whether I'm the guy doing the smooshing, or getting smooshed, I'm not sure. Either way, it isn't a pleasant experience.

Remember the main scenario/problem going on in The Agency,? Well, it is happening to me again. Not the whole wicked witch problem, but the paycheck problem. Again, it isn't a pleasant experience.

I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I want to kick rocks. I want the problem to go away! And I really want it to stop happening to me!!

The scene that keeps replaying through my mind is from "You've Got Mail," talking about the line from the "Godfather."

Maybe it isn't personal to the person on the other end of this, but it sure is personal to me.

There's more than just work and the ability to support myself going on. For a few weeks there it felt like life was finally just rolling along just the way I always wanted it to- love life? check! published book? check! employment? check! anxiously engaged in good causes? check! I felt good! I felt great! I actually had what I wanted- for a few weeks.

And I'm not saying those things are all gone. I'm just saying that they aren't as bright and shiny as they were for those few weeks in the summer sun. I'm trying so hard to remind myself that all it would take is just one of those scenarios shifting back into the check box, and I'd be happy again. I hate it when circumstances affect my attitude. But these aren't normal circumstances, are they?

But I'm trying to snap out of the mood. I'm trying to get back to happy. I'm applying for jobs. I'm smiling. I'm trying not to complain. So bear with me. I've got some work to do before I feel right again.

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