Tuesday, December 04, 2012

I've tried so very hard.

That old familiar, annoying, and frustrating, feeling of depression is creeping back into my life. 
I've been trying for so long and working so hard to move on with my life. Trying so very hard...
But these HUGE things that I want to change and improve in my world I only have so much control over. 
I've applied to over 140 jobs. ONE HUNDRED FORTY!!!
I've looked at a dozen places to live. 
I've networked. 
I've worked hard. 
I've published.
I've waited. And waited.
I've tried. 
I've tried so very hard. 
So very very hard. 
But I can't make these things happen. I can't make someone see me in the pile of resumes. 
It's not unlike that feeling of being "too" single. 
Of wanting to be dating, wanting to be married, wanting to be in love. 
But no matter how hard you try and how much you want it, you just never find The One. 
Or s/he never falls in love with you. 
You just want to move on, and have that life, but you can't control it. You can't make it happen. 
It's also not unlike writing a book and self-publishing, and wondering why no one buys or reads it. 
I tried. 
I tried hard. 
I've tried so very hard. 
Is this ever going to end?  
I've been patient for 3 years. 
I've tried so very hard for 3 years. 
How much more? 
I just can't take it much more.

1 comment:

  1. Erin, I understand your depression and frustration. I'm in that spot at the moment. For 4 years I've been working my butt off to financially support my hubby, myself,kids, pay for immigration etc whilst supporting him as his carer, whilst it may not be in a physical way, it is in every other way. Being let down by family, friends and govt departments leave their own pain in my heart. What hurts the most is being 15, 666 kms away hearing him deteriorate health wise and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not telling you this to say hey, others have it worse and believe me I don't think that I have it worse than you. Theres nothing more that I hate than people doing that. I want you to know that I empathise with you. Life just plain sucks sometimes and when you've reached that point of I can't do this anymore, Heavenly Father throws you a lifeline. It may not be what you are expecting or even a very long lifeline but He does. Hang in there, the light at the end of the tunnel isn't always a train!! Sending you a big Aussie hug.


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