Wednesday, February 05, 2014

Of Duct Tape and Band-Aids


Last week I brain dumped on Juli about the 500 things I had going on that day. Her response, "I'm over here whining that I accidentally ordered the same lunch again today."
For some reason that made me realize I need to stop brain-dumping on people. I like being busy. I thrive on it. I've often said that if you give me 1 thing to do, I may never get it finished. If you give me 10 things to do I'll have it all finished before lunch plus have time for a Coke break.
And whether or not that is healthy, it's true.
But very few people can see that I'm not whining or even bragging about my 500 things. If anything, saying them aloud just helps me keep track of it all. 
In the past few weeks I've had more to do than I've had to do in years. And I'm not exaggerating. I haven't been this busy or active in so long that I can't remember the last time I was like this.
And I love it. I really do prefer to have a zillion things going on. My brain needs it. It keeps me from wallowing in self-I-don't-know-what. So to have so much happening at once right now really is a good thing. Not to mention, it helps distract me from all the things I can't control. And there are many of those things.
I realized something tonight, I've now lived here six months. Almost to the day. And just like every person who has ever undergone a major life change will say, it hasn't been anything like I expected or anticipated.
To some small degree I suppose I knew it would take about six months to really integrate and find my footing- both in my social circles (church) and work.
What I didn't expect was something I realized tonight. I've been horribly frustrated at work. And I've started getting paranoid about various things and what people are saying/doing/thinking. (In my defense, some of it truly is justified. Certain behaviors have changed so drastically that I barely know how to interact with them anymore.) But tonight as I realized it really has been six months I had an awakening-
My last FOUR jobs all hit major snags at the 6 month mark. I won't go into great detail on that here. But 2 of the four jobs came to a screeching halt (as in the companies had layoffs or went out of business)! No wonder I expect bad things at this point. I've been traumatized into expecting the worst. I had to sit down and actually write out some of the good things that have happened to me at work to prove to myself that I won't get fired in the morning. Do I have any reason to think I will get fired? Well, there is that drastic behavior change... But no, not really. If anything, I did just get 2 major bumps in responsibility. So my job is pretty safe. Probably. Maybe. I hope.
At least now I realize that I need to power through this little "end of the honeymoon" phase. We're hitting some road bumps and we need to work them out. And this is a good employer- as compared to the last few employers where road bumps meant layoffs.
(Still, realizing this and convincing my stomach knots to untie are 2 very different things.)
You know what else happens at the six month mark?
Things start to fall apart.
All the band-aids and duct tape I was using to hold my life together these last few years is starting to fall off. And I no longer have the "compassionate excuse" of being unemployed when I can't afford to fix everything. I'm trying and scrambling, but it's not easy. Really, what it comes down to is that I need to make about $800 more a month, and duplicate myself to get it all done.
Which reminds me, I either have to sink $2700 worth of repairs into my 10 yr old car (that's only worth about $1900), or buy a new car. And either way, I need a roommate to split the rent with me so I can afford to do it. Oh and my landlord is making me move out so they can fix a safety issue with my ceiling. So there's that. (If you know of any professional single women in DC that love dogs and need a place to live...)
It never rains but it pours. But I like it when it pours. I'd much rather see a big old downpour than days on end of little sprinkles and showers. But that's just me.
Bring on the rain.
And the 500 things.
And the Coke break.
Never forget the Coke break.

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