Things have been tough lately.
I feel like I've started off way too many blog posts with those words. Unfortunately, that doesn't make it any less true.
I don't just feel like things have been tough, they have been tough. And as usual, I'm not truly at liberty to share much about it except my own feelings.
I haven't had much control over many of the circumstances in my own life. That alone is hard for me. I'm a very independent, strong-willed woman. Unfortunately, I can't say that I've been self-reliant lately. I want to be self-reliant, but I've had no choice but to let a lot of other people be a part of my life, and control major details.
There have been people in my life that are just plain difficult to deal with, be around, and accept. As much as I wish I could cut them out of my life, that hasn't been an option.
And then there is my job situation. Let me make something clear, it is NOT easy being a writer. The pay is inconsistent and not dependable at all. I am very grateful that I've had some part-time work for the last several weeks. And now that work has changed into full-time permanent work. I am very excited to have a job again, and get back on my way to self-reliance (at least in this one respect).
I am also very grateful and happy that I just got a new book contract! A non-fiction book that I submitted a few months ago to my publisher has been accepted. So it's time to start the publishing process all over again. (I'm going to be really busy between the new job and the book!)
I wish I were at liberty to dump all my problems out there in detail to share. But I'm not. I know it would make things worse and not better. But writing is how I express myself, and that makes it hard for me to not share.
The issues of late have had me on edge, constantly on the defensive, and exhausted. So many things that I normally love have become a huge burden. I've had to really rely on my faith to get through much of this ordeal. My prayers are constant pleas for patience, kindness, forgiveness, and love. Not to mention, the strength to endure this constant trial.
And yet, through all of this, I have never before felt such a closeness with my Heavenly Father. I have a firm belief and understanding that I was meant to be here to endure these trials. That is not all a big mistake. I have been prepared and strengthened for all that is happening, and I need to hold to that knowledge so that I can be strong enough to endure.
I know that many of these trials are not mine to bear. I have learned to let others help me, and trust them to do their parts. It's not easy, and it really isn't pretty. But I've learned to accept that this is how things must be for the time being.
I don't know that I have yet reached the point where my broken spirit can say I am grateful for these struggles. And it might be a really long time before I ever can say that. But for now I can say that I am grateful for a faith strong enough to accept this new reality.
And I can pray for the strength and faith to endure what I cannot yet handle.